


John Winchester Was Dead

by Toni_Lynne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 23:06:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12898776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toni_Lynne/pseuds/Toni_Lynne





	John Winchester Was Dead

John Winchester was dead.

Sitting down on the couch, you stared at Bobby. “Dead?”

Bobby nodded, pulling out two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey. “Made a deal with yellow eyes to save Dean. The boys are on their way. They aren’t…” his voice cracked and he trailed off.

In different circumstances you would be surprised to see so much vulnerability in Bobby, but right now you were in shock.

John Winchester was dead.

You met John when your parents were killed during a hunt and Bobby gave you a home. John and his boys would come to visit every couple months. Around the same age as the boys, it was nice to have friends. When Ellen would bring Jo it was even better.

John helped teach you a lot about hunting, and by the time you were an adult you were head over heels in love with him. After a few shots of liquid courage you admitted your feelings one night. He was polite when he turned you down. _You were his boy’s age. You deserved better._ The usual list instead of just admitting he wasn’t attracted to you.

Humiliated and hurt, you had taken off on your own for a while. It wasn’t until you were hunting a shape shifter that you saw John again. He showed up in time to help you kill the creature and then yelled at you for taking off like you did, reminding you that you were a rookie hunter.

When the night ended with you both in his bed things changed again. Carrying on a secret relationship with John was hard. You were in love and wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but because he was so worried about the age difference and how people, including his sons, would see things you couldn’t.

And now John Winchester was dead.

And you had to act like your heart and soul weren’t ripped out. You had to drink a shot in memory of a fellow hunter with Bobby.

You had to hug Sam and Dean and tell them how sorry you were they lost the father they never understood.

Who was going to hug you? Who was going to help you get through the pain of losing the love of your life? Who was going to tell you it was okay when you woke up in the middle of the night reaching for someone who was no longer there?

You slowly healed, but you were never the same. The innocent girl head over heels in love was gone. You indulged in one night stands to scratch the occasional itch, but you never let anyone in your heart. How could you? You were still in love with John and always would be.

Six years later and you still found yourself waking up from the occasional nightmare with his name on your lips.

After dealing with archangels, the failed apocalypse, Sam losing his soul, and the leviathans, you were ready for a break but that was impossible with the demon and angel tablets still out there and the trouble between the brothers over Dean’s friendship with Benny.

Then Henry Winchester showed up out of the blue with stories of the Men of Letters and things got even weirder. Now you were in the back of the Impala looking for this secret underground bunker.

When Dean pulled up in front of a crumbling building, you shook your head. “This can’t be it.”

“These are the coordinates,” Dean said, getting out of the car.

It wasn’t until you were standing inside the huge underground space that you finally admitted there really was a secret underground bunker.

Just like Henry said.

But when you noticed the empty beer bottles in the trash can and the boots near one of the desks, you realized it wasn’t as deserted as you had been led to believe.

All three of you drew your weapons at the same time, suddenly on edge.

The sound of footsteps coming down the hallway grew louder. “How did you boys find out about this place?”

You spun in disbelief to see John Winchester standing in the doorway.

The room was silent for a moment before all hell broke loose, all three men trying to talk at once. Sitting down in the first chair you could find, you listened to John explain that he managed to disable Azrael and how he knew the demon wouldn’t stop coming after him.

He explained that he faked his death, using a reaper for help, with the hope that it would stop Azazel. A plan that he didn’t know failed since he had cut off contact with everyone.

John hadn’t acknowledged you yet, and to be honest you weren’t sure what to say to him anyways. Silently climbing the stairs, you stepped outside to get air.

You were sitting on the ground in front of Baby still trying to wrap your head around the shock, anger, and relief you were feeling when you heard the bunker door open.

Your heart raced and you licked your lips, not sure if you wanted to punch or kiss John.

When you heard Sam asking you to come inside you felt your heart sink. Standing slowly, you followed him back in.

The entire evening seemed surreal. By the time you retired to one of the bedrooms John had pointed out, you were ready to scream. He still hadn’t said anything to you and you weren’t sure how you felt.

A week passed as the three of you settled into the bunker and the Winchesters worked on repairing their relationship.

You watched the boys go from relief to anger. You watched Dean punch John before Sam could separate them, only to hug his father a moment later.

You sat in the background while they caught up around the big table in what John called the War Room.

You listened to John talk about his hunting adventures and the boys explain Lucifer and Dick Roman to him.

You went for a walk with Sam when he needed to cool down after his own big blow up with John.

And through all of this John barely spoke to you. There was no sign that he had ever held you in his arms and promised to take care of you.

Weeks turned to months and everyone settled into life at the bunker. Everyone but you. You constantly debated heading out on your own. Every time John walked out of a room if you were in it alone you wanted to flee the entire mess.

You tried to talk to him. Catching him in the library alone, you sat down across from him and asked him if the two of you could talk. He mumbled something about being busy and left the room.

Another time you knocked on his bedroom door but he never answered, despite the fact you knew he was in there.

You left in the middle of the night. A note on the coffee pot explained to Sam and Dean that you were meeting up with Justin in Kansas City for now and would call or text later.

When John shuffled into the kitchen for his morning coffee, he right away knew something was wrong. “What is it?”

“Y/N left,” Sam said in surprise. “Took off hunting with some guy she had a one night stand with last year.”

“We’ve been together for twelve years, what was she thinking?” Dean growled, slamming the cabinet door shut. “And with Justin? He’s going to get her killed.”

John sat down at the kitchen table. “It’s my fault.”

“What?” Dean snapped, turning to his father.

Letting out a deep sigh, John looked down at his coffee cup. “Before….when we were all together, Y/N and I were sleeping together.” He sighed again. “It was more than that. She was in love with me and I was in love with her, even though I never told her. I tried to push her away many times, I was a broken old man and she was young and beautiful…..when the three of you walked back into my life….”

The room was silent as John tried to figure out what to say, both boys starting at him.  
“I still love her. She tried to talk to me and I pushed her away. I’m broken. She deserves better. I hoped this time I would do what I wasn’t able to do before and walk away.”

John expected yelling. He was waiting for Dean to punch him or Sam to accuse him. Instead they were both staring at him like he was crazy.

It was Sam that spoke up. “She use to cry out for you in her sleep. When she was almost killed by a hellhound it was your name she whispered over and over until Cas healed her. She still loves you.”

“You knew?” John whispered.

“We figured it out not long after you ‘died’,” Sam said.

“Well I’m heading to Kansas City, she’s not taking off like this,” Dean announced, sitting his coffee cup down on the counter.

John stood. “I’ll go.”

Dean held John’s gaze for a moment before nodding. The silent threat clear. John might be his father, but if he hurt you he would have hell to pay.

The drive was long. You were surprised at how calm you were. No tears, no regret. Just numb.

You had been a constant companion of the Winchesters since you were eight years old and picking on Sam with Jo and Dean.

To separate from them was like losing your family, but you couldn’t take one more minute in that underground bunker with John pretending you weren’t there.

Arriving at the café you agreed to meet Justin at, you were annoyed when you parked and didn’t see his car anywhere.

You ordered a cup of coffee and sat down in the corner. Closing your eyes, you rubbed your temples in exhaustion.  
When you heard someone slide into the seat across from you, you didn’t bother to look up. “You are late.”

“I love you.”

You jerked up at the sound of his voice. “John?”

“I’ve told you before I’m damaged and too old for you, but I love you. I thought about you all the time. I always wondered if you missed me like I missed you and if you had moved on with someone closer to your own age. Sometimes I even worried about you and Dean.” He reached across the table and took your hand. “I know I hurt you and I am sorry.”

You stared at his face as his words sunk in. “John…” If he hurt you again your entire world would cave in, and you knew you couldn’t go through it another time. “John I can’t.” Tears formed in your eyes as you looked at him.

“Y/N?” You could hear the question and the hurt in his voice. “Why?”

“I almost didn’t survive you dying, and I almost didn’t survive you treating me like I didn’t exist for the last three months. I don’t trust you not to hurt me again.”

You stood, tossing a couple dollars on the table and started for the exit. You didn’t hear him coming after you until his hand closed around your arm and he spun you back in his direction. Not giving you time to think, his lips captured yours in a passionate kiss.

When he pulled back, he cupped your face in his big hands. “I made a mistake walking away from you and I won’t let you make that same mistake walking away from me. I’m asking for one day at a time until you trust me again.”

Looking up into his dark eyes, you knew you were lost. “One day at a time,” you whispered, pulling him back to your lips.

 


End file.
